Nov 10, 2011 -Little Jacob is still on the oscillator but showing signs of improvement. His CO2 levels have come considerably down and his oxygen levels have gone up. This is great news! The doctors have been able to come down on his ventilator support, and Jacob continues to hold steady. They don't plan on making anymore changes for the night, and we will see what tomorrow brings. The cultures confirmed bacteria in his sputum, and Jacob seems to be responding well to the antibiotics. Now that we know his down slide is not due to a virus, Jacob is no longer in "isolation." The nurses are so thankful because now they don't need to put on protective gowns and masks every time they enter the room. Jacob still appears really puffy and doesn't look much like his sweet self.
|Just before the oscillator|
|Being put on the oscillator the second time|
It is really getting harder and harder to accept that we are missing out on our baby's "newborn-ness." We are missing out on moments we can't get back. When Hazel was born, I kept asking Andy if that was it, were we done having kids. I needed to know if I needed to remember to capture every last baby moment I was going to have as a mom. When we found out that we were pregnant with Jacob, I knew it was going to be the last time. The last time to feel a baby wiggle in my tummy, the last time to experience the miracle of childbirth, the last time to hold my newborn skin to skin and feel the life within them. I love how my newborns fit so cozily in my arms, all tucked tight and warm, so small and folded. Their reflexes are muted and when all their needs are met, they are quiet, content, and happy to just be snuggled. Even at one week old, Jacob started to show signs of "growing up." He was more alert and more active. He started grasping and tugging on his tubes, trying to move his head to look around (he can't move it though because of the vent.), and (silently) crying with intent to express his likes, dislikes, and needs. Now I look at my two and a half week old baby unable to be held or snuggled at all, his NICU bed soaking up all the glory of his "newborn-ness." I watch a tube "feed" him as he gets my breast milk. I feel like I am missing out on Jacob's babyhood and I want a do-over! This is not right! This is not fair! It's not fair for me, and it's not fair for my precious baby that is missing out on all the love we have to give him.