Agony
Dec 19, 2011 -I sit here tonight showering my precious baby's head with tears as he lays on my chest thanking God for his every breath, but I'm wondering what I would do or how I would feel if He had taken my baby from me. I'm afraid of how I would feel toward God. Another Seattle Children's family said goodbye to their new baby girl this evening and I ask WHY? Why take her from such loving, wonderful people who live to praise you, Lord?! The agony they must be feeling was just at our doorstep a few weeks ago. My heart is hurting for a family I've just met because the pain is not yet that far from my own heart. Do I say I'm blessed? I don't know. If so, does that mean they are not? Maybe they have been blessed in a different way, but it's those kinds of blessings that are hard to understand or justify. Lord, thank you for allowing me to have my sweet Jacob and comfort those that are struggling tonight to understand your wisdom and great plan for us in this world.
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My friend, Mary, gave me some perspective that I would like to share:
ReplyDelete"Katy, my heart feels every word you said, and speaking as a mommy who said goodbye to my sweet baby daughter 22 years ago, I've learned many things. First, that God knows the beginning from the end and that being said knows the very best for my daughter. Maybe she would have met trials in her life that would keep her from knowing her Savior, maybe he "picked her" when she was ripe for harvest into the Kingdom of Heaven. Whatever the reason, I've grown the faith to believe it was His will. Second, every baby has a purpose and is a blessing, regardless how long or short their time is on earth. The short time Lindsay was in my life was the most happy and blessed time I wouldn't trade it for anything. It was priceless. Third, I will never understand fully why God took her from me, but I know it was a pain that never fully heals. Every December 13, Lindsay's birthday and "graduation" day, I will ache from now until I die. It will always be bittersweet. I do look forward to my time in joining my daughter when it's my time and, never a day goes by that I dont think about her ♥"
I have been catching up on your posts this morning. I am so glad to hear that they figured out what was wrong with Jacob's stomach and that his surgery went well! I know those tears you cry and questions you ask God while you hold your baby so close. I go through the same thing, I think we all do after coming so close to losing our babies. Why do some live and some die? I will never understand.
ReplyDeleteAlso, I loved you post about following your instincts and knowing that something is wrong. It is so amazing!!!! And what's amazing is that those instincts never leaves. A child is always connected to their parents. I knew that my Dakota was going to be born with CDH, however I did not expect her to come more than 7 weeks early, in the wrong town, on Christmas day. I was having back pains and started to get concerned and had my husband drive me to our local hospital. My own mom, was visiting my Nana for Christmas two hours away. My family told me that suddenly, around 10am, my mom started crying, she went to a back room and my cousins, sisters and family followed her and asked what was wrong ... she said she didn't know why she was sad, she was just so sad ... and then, just as my dad was looking at her through the doorway in concern, his phone rang and it was my husband telling them that I was having what we all knew was a really sick baby more than 7 weeks early in the wrong hospital. She could sense that something was going wrong all the way accross the state! I got to keep my Christmas gift and I treasure her and listen to my instincts all the time, just as you will always. Many prayers for a smooth recovery for Jacob and that you go home for good soon!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Hugs,
Jennifer
Mom to Dakota 12-25-2008
RCDH survivor
jennifertrafton@Hotmail.com
Your situation was very scary! You and your mom must be quite bonded. My mom and I have that same connection that is often eerie but at the same time comforting that someone might know something is wrong before you can even ask for help.
ReplyDeleteKaty, for some reason, your posts have not been showing up in my feed and I have been missing you! I love to know that you've decorated Jacob's room for the holidays but I also hope for a Christmas homecoming for you.
ReplyDeleteYour feelings of being blessed and how to understand that in the face of other parents' loss... you said it well. I mused on just the same thing in the blog entry I wrote today. I am with you and admire that you can let yourself feel the grace and also the agony.
Corinne, mama to Samuel, Feb1/11
www.samuelslight.blogspot.com
I can always count on you to understand my thoughts! :) You haven't been missing posts. I just put in a lot today and back dated them for timeline sake. Jacob is doing so much better that we are too busy to update a lot so I am having to go back and collect quick Facebook posts we have done and put them in the blog.
ReplyDeleteKaty...I don't personaly know you, but through your posts have come to understand was an amazing person you must be to have God bless you with such a special spirit in Jacob. I went to H.S. with Andy and considered him one of my good friends. He was always a friend you could count on and you guys are amazing. I keep you in my prays and God does have a plan. We don't always understad the why's of life, but he know s what you are going through and loves you all....Hoping for the best for you guys and sending love and prayers your way.
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