Feeling Left Behind

Katy's reflection of the first 36 hours:

Oct 27, 2011 -It has been a very exhausting ride so far. I think I have had about 6 hours of INTERRUPTED sleep in the last 48, not to mention giving birth, checking out of the hospital, moving to Children's, and pumping every 2-3 hours, meeting with family, and taking care of my sweet new baby. First of all, all the basics everyone wants to know:: Full Name: Jacob Robert, Weight: 6 lbs 13 oz, Length: 19 and 1/4 inches.

My water broke at the hotel yesterday (Tuesday) at 6:15 in the morning. We rushed to pack up and head to UW. Jacob was born by 9:30am. It was a great labor and birth. About 3-4 good pushes and he was out. They laid him on my tummy and I got to hold him while Andy cut the cord. He never cried as he could not, only made a grunt in an attempt to gasp for air. Instantly his color changed and he was whisked away as planned.  Andy followed every step of the way for the entire day. I was able to have a very brief moment with Jacob before he was transported to Children's. I was suppose to be able to leave UW with a pass that would allow me to go back to the hospital to stay the night, but unbeknownst to everyone except the most high up, UW is no longer doing that b/c insurance companies within the last week or two started to discontinue paying for hospital stays if moms left at any point. Needless to say, the back and forth confusion delayed my getting to Children's.

I spent the day at the hospital floating in and out of reality. One minute I was crying for my baby and the next I was laughing with my sisters about frivolous things like the Housewives of New Jersey. Then I would be snapped back into a flash depression of reality. My labor and delivery happened so fast and then my baby was whisked away and never heard from again, that at many stretches throughout the day it was as though it never really happened. There was a huge emptiness inside me but it was as though the world was carrying on like I was never pregnant to begin with and there was no baby. I was surrounded by my family yet felt completely alone.

About 12-13 hours later, I FINALLY got to be with my baby, and a new reality set in. One that was very foreign to me but the strange part was that Andy seemed familiar with it all and I again felt left behind. He knew where everything was and directed me as I walked the halls in a confused daze. He knew what every number on every screen meant, and what was good, what was not. He knew goal stats and the progress that had been made. He had seen every x-ray and every scan and could tell me all about them as if he was the radiologist. He was on a first name basis with all the docs and nurses and here I hardly could remember the middle name of my own son. (His middle name is Robert after my father). He had made arrangements for where to stay and made contacts we needed for the future. I was so proud and thankful to have Andy take on such a crucial role in our son's life, yet I felt so left in the dark. Now I play a game of catch-up which, amidst the lack of sleep, has felt like a game a can hardly win. That is until this afternoon.

This afternoon the nurse invited me to help change Jacob's bed linens which required one person to hold Jacob while the other scoots the blankets underneath. At first the nurse was going to do the holding but then changed her mind and decided I could do it. It was so nice just to feel the weight of my baby in my hands, to feel his bare skin, and feel life within him. I got to change his diaper and get excited about a great pee output! She taught me about suctioning and let me help in repositioning. Things that may seem so trivial, especially to an experienced mom, were special at the same time. So I walk away from today feeling like I got to "mother" my baby even if it was in the simplest ways.

Jacob has held very stable once his intubation tube was put in a little further after his arrival here at Children's. Every minute has the potential to hold a new adventure, but if he continues to do well, most likely surgery will take place Friday to repair his hernia and put his organs back in place. Lots of prayers please for stability and good stats!