Aching

Dec 24, 2011 -All week I have watched family after family pack up and leave the hospital, walking toward the doors with overflowing carts of "stuff". Many more hospital rooms have empty beds. Ronald McDonald House has become strangley quite as well. Much like the hospital, families are loading up carts and leaving for home for good.  Housekeeping has been sterilizing empty rooms. I am truly elated for those families. I sense that butterfly-in-the-stomach excitement, and know how grateful they must be to be on their way home not only for Christmas, but also because it is the sign that their child is doing very well! At the same time, it is killing me that we are having to stay. The hustle and bustle of so many people moving all at once has left me feeling an odd loneliness. It's funny how sooooo many people were able to work things out to make going home happen right before the holidays. The doctors must really take that into consideration when managing their patients' care. I know they were trying to make it work for Jacob too, but his little body is fighting the medication weaning just too much!

Lately, I have been aching to go home. I haven't been up til now because I couldn't imagine Jacob anywhere else but the hospital. The thought of being out of the hospital was way too scary! But I really believed I would be holding my baby at home on Christmas morning. I imagined just glowing with the love of my kids and family around me and the enjoyment of seeing the kids so thrilled with their new presents. I could see myself sitting in my chair and soaking in the chaos around me just thankful to finally have Jacob home and to be a family again. Instead, we will have Christmas at home and Jacob will be alone at the hospital. I dread it will be tortuous thinking of him by himself not feeling good. Nurses have offered to come and visit and even some friends we have through Ronald McDonald House, but it's not the same. I just keep telling myself that Jacob won't remember this Christmas but Landon and Hazel will. They would remember the Christmas Mommy or Daddy was at the hospital with Baby Jacob and how they missed one of us. Landon has always felt strongly about us being "all togedder." This has been hard on him and I want him to feel so important and not pushed aside second to Jacob's needs. I know that is how it must feel for him sometimes and he has been such an amazingly understanding little boy! Everyone told me God had been preparing my kids hearts for this tough time we were going to be going through the last couple of months, and they were right. God has granted them understanding beyond their years (or development) and has given them the strength to endure it all (separation, jealousy, loneliness, patience, etc.) I am so thankful for how well they have been able to handle it all. I have to give credit not only to God but also my selfless parents who have moved into our house and raised the kids for all these weeks away. I would be a complete wreck if we had to try to balance all the stress of Jacob's roller coaster journey AND the other two little ones!  I don't know how people do it.

We feel Jacob is just about ready for to move home. He has to work on getting off his medications and possibly the oxygen (all though that's not absolutely necessary.) Now I have to start thinking of getting prepared at home for a "new" baby! I am quite unprepared!

As a side note, if I had to stay here a million more days I would just as long as I knew I was going to be bringing home my baby. In light of some families' stories, I am thankful to just have Jacob and know that someday I will go home with him. It is not lost on me that I am very blessed to have my sweet child alive and doing well, and although I ache to go home, my heart is aching more for those who have left without their child.

Nana rocking Jacob on Christmas Eve